Subtle things not to tell your mother
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Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in the "mulie" journal:
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09:55 pm
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Our path...
She silently questions my motivation for being with her and even without the single utterence of a word from her mouth I know she can see right through the man, right onto the boy. I have no experience of exploring our path together, using only a broken compass and an out of date map.
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01:22 am
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heroes....
I wish I had met:
eddie izzard - I would of thanked him for the best and most random quote ever - 'That man sitting over there in the white suit... is the biggest thing to come out of this country sinced sliced Beatles.'
Current Mood:  relaxed
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01:10 am
[Link] | Questions for today -
What is the most painful thought in your life ?
Do you have a fake laugh ?
Does it scare you how naked you truly are when you cry ?
Current Mood: calm
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12:21 am
[Link] | Moving into your own house is quiet a momentous occassion because it is the only time in your life that you get the chance to really see how much shit you have accumalated over the last few years. How much actually useless and pointless junk have you packed and stuffed in various indescriminate boxes, files, folders and old tatty holiday suitcases stuffed well and truly in the furthers corner of the the attic ?
Quiet alot I would imagine and imagine if you were in my position when it suddenly dawns on you that you have not exactly kept a memoir but jungle of scraps, books and elliable scribblings claiming you significant wisdom.
So its time to throw out that old tatty suitcase and update it all into one free and easy source - namely this journal.
I will make it my personal mission over the next few months to update everything onto here and slowly shift through the minefield of pointless information. Whether I come out of this with a shred of sanity is something to be seen but until then - there will be many changes made to this journal. Many of which may appear not pleasent.
Current Mood:  determined
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06:24 pm
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random and empty
Too look back at ones self - at the each small fragment piece that helps to encopassing each characteristic ? its healthy and helps to wash the soul....we are always searching for the answers to questions that bother us.I think self reflection is the biggest cure but the process of starting and staring into the mirror is the biggest fear.
this is maybe all to slightly deep but fuck it Im in a deep mood - but on a brighter note - do chickens have talons ?
Current Mood:  blah
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06:17 pm
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something important I wanted to tell you
My Darling Love, Katy
This is to a special woman who I thought I would never meet and who has stolen my heart with such gentle care and love. I have found that no matter where I am I cannot stop thinking about her and that every unsaid word that I wish to say is about her and the way she makes me feel. I thank god every day that I met her because she has changed my outlook towards life and when she lets me know that she loves me it feels like Im flying.
That special woman is you.
You are my life, my heart, my soul. You are my best friend. You are my one true love. I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I'll love you more tomorrow than I do today.
From the moment I saw you I know that I needed to have you close to my heart and I have come to relise that you have taught me alot about loving someone. Now that three months have passed, our love has only grown. Everyone looks at our relationship and are jealous because we are an example of pure love.
And to be honest whenever you touch me, so gently and softly, my heart seems to explode. I know that I am not good with words but at this moment I just wanted to share how wonderful you are and how special a girlfriend you are.
Now in this email I promise that I would do anything that I can to make you safe and happy - and to always love you.
Yours unconditionally,
emil
xxx
Current Mood:  loved
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10:47 pm
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Katy
To my dearest madame butterfly,
I've started to write this whilst you've gone to fix your glasses - I'm holding some hope that I could come up with this grand love letter that would take your breath away but to absolutely honest whilst we were watching the film - my breath was taken away - by you. You bring something out in me- something human something good - nobody else has made me feel this way. All I can think is about you and I dont know if you are crazy about me as I am but....hmmm let me tell you why Im like this. Its because I've fallen for the way you smile, the way that you look at me, the look on your face when you sleep, the look when you screw up your nose, the way your whole body laughs when you laugh and your eyes that are these deep green pools that hold me in this grip and wont let go - every small thing about you - from your eyes to the smell of your hair, from the way you laugh...I...well this aint coming out right and this isnt the big romantic letter that I was planning but with you I feel so alive, so awake and so happy.
For what its worth, I know Im old, bald and grumpy - but I love you and only you,
for what its worth like in the film we just watch Im willing to cross miles for you,
im crazy about you - always random always weird love em xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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11:44 am
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11:44 and shes taking a shower whilst Im writing this
I told her that I loved her and Im afraid that it my be a mistake - in the sense that it will scare her off but what am I to do ? shes got underneath my skin like no other person has in my entire life. Those eyes of hers make it so hard not melt and ...well every inch of her lights me up that if she was ever in trouble I would drop everything and help....pick her up in my hands and wow - it just makes the hairs on my arms stand upon end. I dont know whats in store but I dont really care that I dont know because for right now, right at this very minute Im happy...and only I know this....
live life with love, not with hate nor closed eyes, live life with open beliefs and open heart,
peace and love xxxxx em
Current Mood:  happy
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04:44 pm
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one small thing
The events of Indian Ocean Tsunami Disaster over the christmas period highlights the increasing issue of the conservation and presvation of the planets ecosystem.
Onwards a total number of 156,193 - (cited in guardian.co.uk/tsunami) lost their lives. The worse hit areas were that of India, Indonesia, Sri Lanka and Thailand.
The brakedown of the number of those who died are:
East Africa 137 (Including Kenya, Seychelles, Somalia, Tanzania and Madagascar)
Bangladesh 2
Burma 59
India 15,766 (dead or presumed dead)
Indonesia 104,055
Malaysia 74
Maldives 74
Sri Lanka 30,721
Thailand 5,305
7,700 of those that died where tourists from elsewhere - including 49 British lives and 391 still missing.
Frankly - the figures speak for themselves and provides proof that why we must act now to ensure not only the planets but our well being.
Human life and indeed all forms of life are so valuable that we must not be blind to that in humankinds thirst and sprint towards power.
There is one thing that we can take away from this - is the immediate response of those around the world - FOR ONE SMALL MOMENT IN OUR LIFE'S WE STOPPED BEING ENGLISH, ASIAN, BLACK, MUSLIM AND CATHOLIC ETC ETC but instead where human beings.
And I think long after the last timberframes have been erected or the debrie of worst hit areas have been swept away - that is something we should not forget - equality. We are all human beings, who bleed, cry, smile and sing. We each have families, lovers and habits, as well as fears.
A wise man once said: 'I refuse to accept the idea that the ‘isness’ of man’s present nature makes him morally incapable of reaching up for the eternal ‘oughtness’ that forever confronts him. I refuse to accept the idea that man is mere flotsam and jetsam in the river of life unable to influence the unfolding of events which surround him. I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality. I refuse to accept the cynical notion that nation after nation must spiral down a militaristic stairway into the hell of a thermonuclear destruction. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final world in reality. This is why right temporarily defeated is stronger that evil triumphant.” Martin Luther King Jr 1964
Current Mood:  thoughtful
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07:51 pm
[Link] | nothing really to say apart from everything being an utter mess and that its my fault.
she wont like you. she'll never like you.
you fuck up
thanks mum
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06:23 pm
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numb
numbingness creeps over bones,
brittal under chapping skin,
An unwanted to colour,
lack of skill,
lack of life,
just some pleb,
so whats is this all
fuck man fuck - screams my head - I dont like this man I dont like this
numbingness creeps over bones,
And not one smile cares,
with sharp teeth,
and unwanted glare,
but what is the point ?
numbingness fucking numbingness
Current Mood:  depressed
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01:32 pm
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driving licences, troy mcclure and lunch time in the LRC
The greatest leap into the unknown for me is not to have or make friends. Its not that I have some sort of an seeking attention problem...well actually yes I do....but but what I'm trying to say is that its a real fine line for me between complete social-cilibatism and mr 24 hour party animal.
I think they should make this a manditory part of the curriculum they teach in schools - along side PE, history and the subject that you make those festive coat hangers as presents for you parents but they end throwing it away because its a sheer fucking monstroucity.
'Hello Kids, I'm Troy McClure, you of seen me from such films as 'Get Yourself a lady - for less than $50 dollars' and 'Face it kids you might as well just go and work on the minimum wage.'
Can you imagine it - Troy McClure in tweed jacket and smoking pipe - giving lessons about how to make 'friends' ?
'Well kids, our first lesson today is WHAT IS A TRUE FRIEND ? And how to spot the differences in 10 easy steps.'
Actually no - scrap that idea - in fact they should actually just have this special drivers licence you need to obtain to make friends - it will be called the DVFL or something......
Current Mood: blah
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07:10 pm
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so this guy is walking down the street and its raining when a grand piano hits him.....
It takes me along time to think of something to say….is that unusual ? I wish I was different – in the sense that I was like other people – so confident with friends doing what friends do together. I would really make a good friend – I would but hey that sounds borderline pyshcotic….its doesn’t matter because who will read this apart from me ? No one would want read, try to search for it on one of those long-boring-oh-so rainy days…..
I’m just lonely – so incrediable lonely. I’m fed up of seeing everyone else hand in hand and having casual sex and I’m here….
I’m…..what…..self centerred ? self loathing ? pitiful?
A joke…..yes I’m a joke….this whole damn life of mine is a joke………
11 November 2004
So what annoys me,
The weird relationship have with my folks
Not writing…
Not being able to understand other people…
People putting me down………
Self loathing……
Not being able to do my course work straight away…..wait I am – its just that….well I hate that to……giving excuses…….I need to think……….
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06:56 pm
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Bee - something I should of said
Dear B,
I’m not sure whether I will send you this because I feel as if I might of given you the wrong impression but also because there is a certain amount of detachment with correspondence – I dunno, is that a good thing or a bad thing ?
I might actually just put this on my live journal and change the name of the reciepent to that of ‘To whom this may concern.’ To think – what it would been like without the internet hmmm ? People actually meeting face to face but now – oh – at my fingertips I can type a 40,000 word masterpiece, fiddle around with Mona Lisa’s smile and still talk to someone in china. How small the world has become…..
I relised something today, in fact, but no matter how hard you try to impress people – they will still find faults. I’ve moved out of home and into a block of flats with around 18 residents – all students and its on campus so its more less comes with the uni. Anyway, a lot of my friends back at home have cut contact and I was left with making new ones – but with no luck…Now – I don’t mean to sound selfish or self pitying but there seems to be no epathy around because unless you have got something to give then people don’t want to know you. I mean – here we are – 18 newbie students – fresh face to all of this and nobody seems to want to get to know me. Hmmmm
But it could also just be me – being abused has that effect – you begin to feel uneasy around people to the point that you inadvertly put them off from talking to you. I got three years to sort that out but really I got to start now. Got to move on. I suppose what I want is to just feel loved – slightly sicking I know but I want to feel as if…hmmm…whats the word ? …as if I have a purpose. That being to love someone back.
But I kind off guessed that love is much more about a mutual physical attraction and quite frankly I’m not a looker.
Anyway – I’m going to spare you further of this rubbish and so I just want to say hello and ask what’s going on in your life ?
Em x
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03:56 pm
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predictions
if I can predict the future - I know it wont happen. She will not see me or speak to me again and instead I will be back when I started - scared.
I wont become a writer...
I wont finish that one assignment...
I wont get fit and build my body fit....
because do I want those things ?
Current Mood:  thinking
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06:00 pm
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certain woes
It seems to be an increasing trend to group 'academics' under the subtle context of 'groupwork,' half-starved through malnutrition and an overdose of cheap affordable alcohol and pot-noodles, suffering cerebal tremors from text books and jargon, that as students (and for that matter future 'professionals') we are meant to digest at any split second. Armed only with half a rationing of epathy and willingness to other views, as well as a butchers axe, we, the 'academics' journey into the chaos and abyss of trying to 'work together.' What is the ethos of all this ? Bridge building ? Confidence building ?
The problems lies with the use or label of 'academic(s).'
A group of academics are not a singlur concenious being but instead a number of individuals with the commonality of being an within education. As an individual, one can view the subject, that as group are meant to be looking, and interpret it as something quite different in comparison to their colleagues - for example, 'sexuality' for me means the diversity of groups such as heterosexuality, gay men, lesbian women...etc and the differences between them BUT to another person it could mean, for example, the phyiscal relationship with their partner.
A friend of mine once responded to me, in answer to the question : How do we overcome barriers in a group ? She said 'For me,one of the barriers to group work is when individuals enter the group believing that they know the answers and whats right or wrong. The beauty of diversity is learning about it and being open to the idea that sometimes there is no right or wrong...particularly in a subject such as sexuality, which means many things to many people as it is such an individual thing. Also, one persons idea of weird, is another persons idea of normality!'
more to come.....
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09:49 pm
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back on track
There comes to a point in which you stop walking and look down....to your feet.....to find that the ruby slippers or snake skin boots you bought with the money that you were meant to keep for a rainny day, have a hole in the sole and the stitching is teathered. The road that you have been walking down has lost its destination and gentlness - with the landscape becoming less tolerable and appearing to be less scenic as the brochure had promised.
What do you do ?
Take your shoes of and just stop walking ?
Continue?
Maybe life was right in saying to you when it slapped you on the ass and said 'well junior - aint no point in ya's trying with your life and getting all uppity about getting to A to B to Z - 'cause it aint worth it - see ? Ya may as well just assume that this is the best ya gonna get....'
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01:47 pm
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Monologue.
Scene: Our principal speaker sits facing an invisible partner in a restaurant dressed in sparse black and white decor. There is a feeling of resentment and frustration, as they are the only people dining, it is apparent all is not well. As Adrian slowly stirs his coffee, we can here his partner talk, though it is hard to actually decipher what he is saying, Adrian's body language signals that his bored and uninterested.
Adrian: Sitting here I uncomfortably doubt my actual motivation to challenge personal intolerance towards actually finishing this.
[Slowly stirring Adrian stops and places his teaspoon to the left of his cup]
Had I known that for my own insecurities brought the price of simply sitting at the opposite end earnestly watching you light another cigarette, I would of requested the doctor for something alot more fatal. Do not get me wrong, its not that I enjoy being cavalier about it but when you have learnt to accept the drivel that escapes through the fine gaps of your smile, you do question whether or not if there is at all any justice in the world. You have no skill to call upon in making my acquaintance as to my own understanding you are not of importance. Sitting here in the restaurant surrounded by strangers I hear nothing apart from loud scream of the match you strike.
'This is so tranquil. I am thirsty. It was a long walk from the town.... oh and I have crippling disease that doctors know little about. Maybe one hour or more I will order the Caesar salad. I don't know,' looking not at your face, my voice barely above a whisper, trailed off until it met the loud interruption of your wonderful assumption that red is the next black; or that you are on the verge of pity for those who lived in such relative poverty in compression to yourself.
[Adrian reaches over to the packet of cigarettes and takes one out]
Don't get me wrong these are probably important issues for you but the fact that your partner is sick and do not even acknowledge, adds intentionally to any embitterness that has dessolved our relationship. Its a miracle that we managed to survive passed our 'honey period'. What ever did I see you? Pity? Idiocy? Stupidity? You p-r-i-c-k. Who cares about such things? I have Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease and your solution is colour co-ordination and charity?
[Adrian begins to mimic his partner] 'Hey Babe no need to worry, simply stick on those spats and hey-presto !' [He begins to laugh]
Where do you think I am right now? Where do you think I am with you? I am scared that I'm going to die and do not know what happens. I cant be going to heaven because 'hell I'm too much of a sinner and I was never in the close proximatey to God. When was the last time I stepped foot in a church ?
[Lights up a cigeratte] Nope I dont even buy into any of the mightier than thou crap about him. He's far from mighty. No, I believe God to be somewhat of an overweight comedian simply playing out our lifes as one huge unfortunate pratical joke. And do you know what ? ..I cant live my life as a joke. Its not that I do not love you it's just that I am not in love with you. I'm not seeking to hurt you and this not something of the cuff but something that began to eat at me when the doctor told me her diagnosis. I relised that if I pass away would you at all miss me? Well would you? I mean we don't really know each other. We deny that fact and reply upon supporting the relationship by going to family gatherings, new and unique restaurants, book groups - how much do we actually know of each other?
Current Mood: complacent
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12:49 am
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And the headlines again are.......
So this it.....its the point upon which I've reached and granted everyone a free pass to walk all over me.....where's my real self?.....the reason why I'm so different to everyone else...to why I feel like an outside and to why it feels so cold inside.
I'm dead - inside. Just an empty body moving. I should really write something deep and meaningful on this shouldnt I - go into some dark and deep metaphorical journey explain the inner workings of my soul but I can't because I'm not talented.
I'm just a forgotten face (or does that sound to narcissitic/pathetic ?)
Question to self no.1) Why am I pathetic when I talk to others ? what do I have to offer ?
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